hey feb

thanks for nothing bro

it is going to be spring everybody.

the other day i referenced a date to my dad, in my mind it was like ~6 weeks out, he just stopped and looked at me with a dead stare and goes: tay, that is in two days. i was like Ooh ShhhIT. alright, so enough of that.

my life is going to pivot drastically in the spring. i already know this because i’ve already laid the groundwork. my therapist right now is like:

i’ve hibernated and re-rooted. observed. endured. unlearned. relearned. unraveled the diabolical and crippling narrative of ‘this was never going to be my life.’ winter.

however, if i’ve learned anything in this season, it’s that i’ve just always been; me.

i’ve just always liked what i liked. only ever liked people that just like what they like. only liked people that just like me for liking them for liking me for liking what i like.

and now, an essay:

i had a conversation with my mother the other day: i was born stubborn in always liking what i liked, constantly challenging and questioning ideas / thoughts / boundaries; and now arriving at a super wise (haha) age of 30, i thank god because, what strong woman has ever conformed to the ideas and boundaries given to her? what woman who i look to in admiration and for inspiration has ever done what she is ‘told’ to do? been what she is told she ‘should’ be?

i’ve always seemed to bring a, ‘with all due respect, i kind of think you’re making all this shit up and none of it really matters, but i would love for you to tell me why you think it does’ vibe to every function that every institution i’ve ever been to don’t really like.

and i’m not talking like constant deliberate rebellion or blatant attention seeking- although admittedly i do love me a little of both out of humor, on occasion, as we all know- i’m talking my appreciation and draw to those (particularly women and mothers) who challenge the programming- in their own cool and natural ways. it’s a clean, ‘yeah nice, so i don’t really think that way, but i respect that you do,’ for me. i told my mom:

i’ve always been drawn to people who are very different than me. i actually crave and must have indifference- intellectual stamina. i love to be challenged. but the second someone starts using any force in trying to contain or restrain me into liking what they like, acting how they want me to act, or believe what they think i should believe, i’m out bro!

it’s important to me that i raise my kids to healthily question the ideas they are naturally given; and allow them the space to challenge the world at their own pace.

which brings me to: now that i am raising kids of my own (and, on my own), i can honestly say i’ve been reflecting a lot on how i was parented. no parent is perfect, which, love that because holy reality smacked me right in my face becoming a parent, but anyways my parents (i was their teenage love child) (they’re still together) (the fuq?) were patient in allowing me and also my four younger siblings all the space to hyper-fixate on things, and sometimes for an obscenely-way-too-long time, growing up. i was actually talking to a friend the other day about my siblings, how cool i think it is that we are all so different, individual, all moving to our own beats and at our own paces. we all like each-other for liking what we like, and our parents like us for liking each-other for liking what we like. they raised confident kids, which has been both a blessing and a curse in that on one side, there are people who really do not be liking that bro- and cannot hold you no matter how long you ask for them to (nobody’s fault- each person has their capacity), and on the contrary, there is this entire realm of people who cannot seem to get enough of you.

which in conclusion has learned me: a strong woman, a strong anyone, who is given respected space and and held by those who do have the capacity, is healthily challenged and *not* understood yet totally supported, is propelled into a certain strength and confidence that helps them know they can do and be anything in this life. they build strong families, and raise confident kids, who raise strong families, all because they were liked for liking what they like.

i am learning this at 30 years old as a single mother, as i rebuild my life.

it’s going to be spring.

x